Truth be told, am not psyched up about going to IIUM. Not at all. Yesyes, I should be stoned to death for my ungratefulness. I'm sorry. But the heart wants what it wants and I can do nothing about it. I am banking so much on scholarships which are fat, overweighted chances but still, I keep hoping and hoping until the burning fire of passion towards that very hope itself chars me to the ground, letting the breeze blend my ash with dust and debris; the death of my soul unknown.

I am stupid for not appreciating this offer but everyone around me just keep saying that I could do better. Before this, I thought IIUM was my best. It's not like I was able to do more at this moment, but that got me thinking: What is my best? Studying abroad? Registering in private schools? What? And in which aspect should I be the best? Creative Writing? Social blending? Academically excellent? Everything? I can't be the best in everything because that will mean I won't have a real life. And I need to breathe. Not just oxygen.

I'm just so afraid of not getting what I want, I can't even think straight. I might just revert back to that old habit if it wasn't so hard to disguise.